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10 minute read Members-only

Living with an attraction to children.

Image: PickPic
Image: PickPic

By “Leonard Johnston”


Part 1: Who I Am

For many people, thirteen feels like a special age. It is the burgeoning chaos of people coming into themselves: Most everyone is thinking about dating, who they like, and, well, everything in a classic coming-of-age movie. The difference for me, though, was both simple and life-changing. When I was 13 years old, I discovered that I was sexually attracted not to women, and not to men, but to young boys. Boys who hadn't entered puberty yet.

I want you to take a moment and imagine what it's like to discover, amid the crazy swirl of middle school, that you are attracted to kids. That you’re among the most hated group in the world, and at a time when fitting in feels so important, you are, inescapably, as different from your peers as can be. 

You are a pedophile.

That's a big word. I’m sure it changes what you think about me. But now that it’s out in the open, let’s talk about what it really means.

First of all: I have never hurt a child, and I’m confident that I never will. Pedophilia is a sexual attraction, but it’s up to me to choose how to live with it, and I choose to live a good life.

For most people, the defining feature of life as a pedophile is loneliness. You’re the same kid your parents and friends have always known. You haven’t changed as a person, you have the same morals, the same hopes and dreams for your future. But if others knew the real you, you worry that you’d be cast out and abandoned. That you’d be all alone.

So while your peers start talking about dating, you stay quiet, or you outright lie. It doesn’t change in your 20’s (maybe friends try to set you up on dates… oops), or in your 30's when everyone is wondering why you're not with someone yet. You almost certainly hide it from your parents, because you know what they’d say. They’ve been warning you about pedophiles, about people like you, all your life. It’s the first time you go from “us” to “them.”

As a kid, there’s no one you can really talk to. No roadmap for how to grow up as a pedophile while being a good person. All the depictions in movies, TV, news, social media… everyone who’s like you is pure evil. You have to figure everything out yourself and hope you’re making the right choices, even though you’re just a kid.

But you can be a good person. You can be happy. You don’t have to be lonely. That’s the message I most want to deliver to that young kid. I’ve surrounded myself with many good friends, some of whom I’ve been close with for decades (In fact, I’m “out” to about six of my friends, and they are wonderfully accepting and supportive). 

I am not defined by this one thing. I’m kinda nerdy but also confident and easy-going, I have a good career in tech, I get to travel, I volunteer in the community, and I think I have the respect of those around me. I have lots of hobbies: I love anything with a good story (novels, television, movies, theater, and video games), writing, hiking, board games with friends, Star Trek (like I said, nerdy), and lots more. I’m at peace with my desires: To me, those who vilify the desires (instead of the actions) are wrong, and so I don’t worry about my soul. I let myself indulge in fantasy, but I never view child pornography.

I haven’t married. I’ll spare you my winding journey so far, but I want my eventual partner to like all of who I am. That can mean a lot of things, but you can’t exactly put “pedophile” on your Tinder profile. However, with the help of smaller internet communities and the friends I’ve been making, I’m confident I will find someone I’ll be happy to share my life with. It’s just harder for me than most people, because we have to feel each other out so carefully. If we’re wrong, it can be catastrophic.

In fact, there’s a part of my brain that always has to worry about detection. “If I click this link, will Google realize that I’m a pedophile?” That part of my brain has to think about what I open, what I "like," what I comment on. As “Leonard,” I live a double life, obscuring details of my identity to protect myself. Until I met a couple of online friends in real life, there was nowhere I could actually share all of my thoughts.

As you can see, there are ups and downs. I’m much more than my sexual attraction. I am satisfied and thriving despite knowing I must constantly deny an innate tendency I did not choose to have. I just wish that society made it easier for others like me, which is why, I suppose, I'm writing this piece.

With all of that said, before I go to the next section, let me take care of a few common myths:

  • Like anyone, and maybe even more than most, I am horrified at child abuse, and I want abusers to be arrested and punished. The safety of kids is paramount. It frustrates me that I even have to say this, because of course that’s what I think, but because of my attractions people may doubt that.
  • I wasn’t abused as a child, and I didn’t have any sexual experiences before this happened (I didn’t look at pornography before puberty). I’m not even sure I knew what sex was before turning 13. This is just who I am, plain and simple, and I can think of nothing that might have caused it other than genetics.
  • Some pedophiles are also attracted to adults, some aren’t. Some date or marry, some don’t; but many keep this deep and fundamental secret from their spouse.
  • Self-hatred is a huge problem. Given the way we’re portrayed in media, many people grow up thinking they might be intrinsically evil or fated to hurt kids. It can be a lifelong struggle to figure out who you are.
  • Online communities are very different from each other. Some are supportive groups strongly against child abuse; others literally trade child pornography. The internet has both large positive and large negative effects. When everything is forced into the shadows, it’s all too easy for a teenager to find their way to the wrong places.

Part 2: A Different View on the World

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