By Dinah Bucholz
The soon-to-be Roman emperor Vespasian was taking his time. It was the first century CE, and he had instructed his legions to surround Jerusalem. When his soldiers grew impatient from inaction, Vespasian explained the long wait to breach the city walls: Jewish infighting had gotten so intense that the army could just wait for their enemies to finish each other off before invading and conducting a mop-up operation (I paraphrase).
Thus, the Talmud teaches — and the historian Josephus confirms — that baseless hatred caused the downfall of Jerusalem. During the Hebrew summer month of Av, when these events took place, traditional Jews atone by reflecting on the fundamental principles of Judaism: Love your fellow, and Hillel the Elder’s golden rule, “What is hateful to you don’t do to others.”
It’s no accident that the time of reflection on these teachings is followed by Elul, the month of repentance, and the month we’re currently in right now.It means putting all that into practice to prepare for Rosh Hashana, the Day of Judgement. Since Rosh Hashanah is upon us this week, I wanted to pose myself these questions: In an era of bitter partisan hatred and hyperpolarization, how do we achieve that? Indeed, why should we even bother trying?
We should try because the greatest threat to the United States isn’t the right and it isn’t the left; it’s our disunity.
After 9/11, Americans rallied around President George W. Bush, whose approval soared into the nineties. Such a thing is inconceivable today. Even in the face of a deadly pandemic, we couldn’t unite to fight it, possibly contributing to the worst outcome among developed nations. Instead of rallying, we turned Covid into a culture war. We fought over lockdowns. We fought over masks. We fought over vaccines. We fought over school closures. We even fought over Dr. Anthony Fauci.
Russia and China have taken note and are improving Vespasian’s playbook with a modern twist: exploiting our divisions via bots and influencers on social media. They are biding their time while quietly ramping things up.
The lesson of Av, the defeat of first-century Jews thanks to disunity, and the lesson of Elul, the time of repentance, are universal lessons we would do well to take to heart. That’s why we should bother trying. And that brings me back to the question of how.
It isn’t easy; I struggle with this all the time. I used to be a Republican right-wing conservative who read National Review and Commentary Magazine religiously. Then Trump burst onto the political scene and shattered my worldview. Overnight, it seemed, people I loved and respected and writers I admired changed their values. It was an alienating and lonely time as I sought to find my footing in this strange new world.
An article in Persuasion highlighted the awfulness of hating people over their political differences, describing an incident in which a young woman became estranged from her mother because of her views on Covid guidelines. I know people whose marriages became strained because one spouse opposed and the other supported President Donald Trump. How tragic is it to ruin relationships over politics?
I might proudly say that I haven’t lost a single friend or created a rift with a single relative since then, but it took effort — and sometimes I still catch myself sneering privately at acquaintances who are still the same generous or quirky or zany people I loved in the Before Times. Shame on me! So I’m not sitting on my high perch judging all and sundry — I’m writing to myself as well as to you, because I must constantly remind myself of the important task before me.
With that said, here’s my five-step process of repentance.
1. Read widely. Listen to the best arguments the other side has to offer and try to understand their perspective. The purpose of this exercise is not only to sharpen your critical thinking skills but also to humanize the other. This process taught me that the members of the other political tribe are not in fact godless Democrats who hate America. (A publication like Tangle, although Tangle is unique – that presents opinions on both sides of a political issue can help you understand arguments across the spectrum.) Also, be open to the possibility that you might be wrong on any given issue, even your most cherished beliefs.
2. Remember our shared humanity. Everyone has experienced at some point telling the person behind them at the grocery store to go ahead because they’re holding only one item while your cart is piled to the sky with groceries. At the time, did it occur to you that the woman behind you might be a radical AOC fan or a crazy Marjorie Taylor Green supporter? That she might support DEI or rant about harmful vaccines? Of course not — instead, you saw a fellow human being holding one tiny package of breath mints, and in your compassion, you let her go first.
That’s how we should think of people we disagree with. They’re ordinary people like us, like the shoppers at the grocery store, with their own needs and journeys and circumstances that require empathy. They might have different ideas about life, but that doesn’t make them evil or hateful.
3. Make it concrete. Is there someone you’ve been avoiding since you found out how they voted in the last election or if they support/oppose vaccines? If that’s the case, seek them out. Send them a text message to let them know you’re thinking of them. When you get together, listen without judgment and don’t feel compelled to push back. And here’s a thought: You don’t have to talk about politics at all. Fancy that! I have a good friend with whom I spend a fair bit of time, and when our conversations began to turn contentious, we agreed to drop politics. That hasn’t hurt our friendship at all.
4. Take baby steps. If you’re too ambitious, you might find you have bitten off more than you can chew. Whatever step you take to improve your relationships or views of people who disagree with you, make sure you can stick to it. You will know you overshot if you can’t stick to it.
5. Check in with yourself daily. A daily check-in will help you chart your progress, help you to remember to stick to the program, and also indicate whether you’ve overshot. You can make the check-in a part of your bedtime routine, and I assure you that it will take literally one minute (I’ve done this myself!). If you resolved, for example, that you would read one article a day from a different political stance, then check that off at the end of the day. If you find that you’re succeeding even just half the time, you’re good!
And ultimately, remember why this is so important. When the Roman army breached the wall around Jerusalem, the Jews snapped out of their insanity. They finally set aside their differences and united to defeat their common enemy. But it was too late. Had they united to fight the Romans at the beginning, they could have won; but instead, they wasted their energy and resources fighting each other. Let’s not repeat their mistake. Let’s take the month of Elul to resolve to repair our relationships and to remember that all humans, no matter how much we disagree with them, deserve to be heard with dignity and respect.
If we do that, nothing can defeat us.
Dinah Bucholz worked as a copyeditor before turning to full-time homemaking. While home with her kids, she wrote a New York Times bestseller called The Unofficial Harry Potter Cookbook, among other cookbooks, and is a freelance editor and writer.